I’m not particularly fond of fathers day this year. However, I am incredibly fond of my father. Today my father got up, went to help one of his closest friends who had lost his mother-in-law and got passes for them to travel for burial.
He then got home by the time we were all sitting at the breakfast table and looked incredibly distraught. When he loves, he loves hard. When his friends hurt, he hurts and it broke my heart that he was hurting on fathers day.
But he looked at us and smiled and said, “Guys today’s fathers day.” And we all (my 2 brothers, my aunt, my mom and I) yelled “HAPPY FATHERS DAY DADDY!” and gave him a hug. He had to leave for burial shortly after and that’s when I started to see the flood of fathers day posts.
What I didn’t expect to be was angry at said posts.
Disclaimer this might be triggering.
I was angry and hurt that some of my friends wished my dad a happy fathers day and their dads didn’t step up as incredible father figures. I was angry that so many people have to endure the pain of looking at endless posts because some men dropped the ball on the most important role in their adult life - being fathers.
I was hurt that some daughters and sons have to say “Happy fathers day” year after year not as a thank you for what you’ve done but as a means to soothe their deadbeat dads’ egos.
CHILDREN SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PROTECT YOU FROM YOUR MISTAKES! You were meant to protect them from a cruel world but you messed them up and you think you’re a great dad now simply because they sent you a sweet fathers day message and posted you.
Show up and earn that message - if it even came.
I’ll never be able to fully understand the nuance of a strained father and child relationship. And I have no grounds to be calling out fathers when mine showed up every day and loved me with every ounce of his being but I’m so hurt. And maybe I have no right to be, maybe I should simply be grateful that I have a father but this narrative isn’t okay either. It’s not enough to just ‘have a father.’
I don’t know what the loss of a parent is like. I don’t know what griefs grips feel like in regards to losing a parent. But I do know that it isn’t okay to simply tell someone to fix things with their parent because they are still alive. Some parents are horrible. And the burden of a repair should not be on the child. I don’t care if the child is 10 or 25 or 40. A parents role is to love unconditionally and make this love actionable!
On days like today, I want to urge every father to acknowledge their shortcomings and apologize on days when their child might be triggered because of their misgivings, missteps and mistakes.
It’s not enough that you provided, It’s not enough that you know you love your children. Love in your heart is not enough if it was never manifested.
Again, I have no grounds to be saying any of this. I’m not a parent or a scorned daughter but I am a hurt friend and cousin and niece.
Happy Fathers Day to all the mothers that stepped up because they didn’t have a choice but made their children feel like there wasn’t even a choice to be made. You are phenomenal.
I am fully aware that there are incredible fathers out there that deserve their flowers today and this was in no way meant to take away from that. But this is my public journal and I simply wanted to document my hurt.
I can’t with good conscience however let the day pass without thanking my rock.
Happy Fathers day to my father. The man who has made me feel like the world is my oyster even when the world felt suffocating. Thank you for not just being an incredible father to me but an out of this world dad to every child the Lord has blessed you with. My friends and my siblings. Thank you for showing us that being a great father is also being a great partner, a great friend, a great leader and a great person. Thank you for loving us in your actions, the funny songs you sing and the dances you make up. Thank you for being a kind generous and loving man daddy.
Forever your best friend, forever your biggest headache, forever yours.
Sincerely,
Sometimes She Writes
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